Season of Change

"Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing."

That is actually an old AA saying that I recently heard when I sat in an Alanon meeting to empower a girlfriend to facilitate change in her own life a few month's back.

It is also truth.  Takes courage to change, to effectively throw off the old man, as Scripture tell us to do.

I have a lot to say about change if I am patently clear and honest.  What the hey, I don't mind the transparency if it will encourage you through my own testimony, of what Jesus continues to do for me and that through Christ all things are truly possible.

August 2009 my entire world changed.  Well, it changed a LONG time before that, but "officially" I made, what I call a "forward-motion" decision that would alter my life.  Funny, I say forward-motion, but it really means I made a decision based solely on faith, with evidence NOT seen, and only the peace of God in my heart and spirit.

As a single mom, I moved back to Northern California and swore, on my face before God, to serve Him and trust Him again with my heart and life.  Funny, I didn't feel "backslidden" at the time, but what does that mean anyway?  It doesn't necessarily mean much more than not living up to God's potential and calling in my life for me.  I wasn't out in sin, or drinking or smoking or gambling or murdering, I just wasn't doing ANYTHING.  I went to church, I went home from church, I volunteered for children's ministry and I set up tables and chairs.

It nagged me, but I was so wore out by the burdens and cares of this world and my own life, that I just couldn’t do much to “change it.”  The pain of remaining the same was still comfy I guess, in retrospect.

So, when I returned to California and laid on my face before God, He heard my repentant cry and refilled me.  With His Spirit, with my prayer language, with hope, and with fortitude to carry out the calling He has put upon my life.  I had hit the point where I was willing and Oh I praise Him for His faithfulness.

I remember sitting in my pastor’s office, or in the fellowship hall more than once, talking about wanting to do something for Jesus, but unsure of just what He wanted.  I mean I knew what the church needed and Pastor told me where it would help, and so I served, in the nursery and sang on the worship team.  I am grateful for that time under his leadership, as I rediscovered God’s presence and my conviction to serve Him.

In the end, I left that congregation because it didn’t fulfill what the Lord had wanted me to do and be and thus, more change.

I started a dating relationship that year in 2010 and simultaneiously watched my children’s father go through a nightmare much similar to the one I experienced in August of 2009 myself, in his own personal life that affected our kids and grandkids.

I had changed states, changed jobs,  changed financial tax brackets, and budgets, and I even exchanged dress sizes as I lost that 40 pounds I had carried from not smoking since 2003.  And, then, almost immediately, without even a calm in the storm, there was more change, moving yet again, and a job promotion, another granddaughter, a marriage proposal (whoot!).

You would think I have had about all the change I could muster since 2009.  You just might be right.  I am TIRED….in an emotional way, of all the work, cleaning out my wounds of the past and confronting those things that didn’t work in my denial of my own insecurities, and being brave enough to do it differently.

I am grateful beyond words to those in my life that haven’t given up on me, have encouraged me, and have listened to me, sometimes at their own expense of peace, along this fast-paced journey of change.

In fact, I am literally laughing out loud because in the midst of it all, my body decided it was time for “the change”…..and while I might just stand on my roof with a pint of Haagen Dazs at the end of THAT part and dance under the full moon in praise when I am done with all of that hormonal and physical “fun”, I can tell you, if this isn’t “mid life” I don’t know what else to say.

It has been anything but easy.  In fact, it has been hard, diligent, consistent work with Jesus and His rod and staff if you want the truth.  The things that I have let surface and let go of are not always pretty things.  They are dark, hurtful, vulnerable secret nightmares of a past riddled with disappointments and some pretty hard knocks.  It has often felt like a scene from The Matrix, where everything is fast forward, and yet, feels like it is in slow motion and you wish you could have just taken the blue pill instead and yet I confess that fast is much easier than slow.  Slow is hard! 

Man, God has done and walked me through so many changes and I want to encourage you who are reading this blog today!

Allow the Lord to have His way in your life today.  It will NOT make sense (in your OWN MIND) at times, but it will work out.  Trusting a living God who DOES NOT CHANGE, is an amazing journey designed to bring you face-to-face with your fragility and utmost need of Him to pilot your life.  At least it did for me.

Even this morning, I received yet more confirmation on my journey that I DO hear Him and I DO know Him and I CAN TRUST THAT.  He has my future, and He continues to heal my past.

You cannot amputate your HISTORY from your DESTINY.  Ok, that is something Beth Moore shared once that my girlfriend and I sat and rewound the tape and cried together when we first heard it.

Change is necessary.  To prepare you (me), to prune you (me), to transform you (me) to purge you (me) of selfish desires and wants and needs, to rely solely on Him and His presence, even in the flat out scary times.

I am learning to BE STILL and KNOW a lot these days. In fact, just yesterday, I took a run with a well-weathered four legged friend named Sabrina.  We ran together for 5 miles and we both could have continued for more if I had not needed some water.  That dog is like 10-12 years old and can outrun me any day.  So, with worship music in my ears we ran.  And, lo and behold the Holy Spirit spoke to me this Psalm:

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue  you,  LORD, know it completely.

(Psalm 139)

Yep, more change on the horizon.  I welcome it actually.  There is a warmth in the Refiner’s fire after a time, as crazy as that sounds.  I have grown accustomed to the heat.  This time it is about being silent under persecution.  Not always having to have the last word or be right (even when you are :O).  God knows and perceives your thoughts from afar.

Pray for me?

As I emerge from this season of change I find myself very much a new woman.  I am learning boundaries, I am not so self-conscious, I have learned to be quiet and to submit.  I have learned acceptance and what it means to truly love and appreciate people in your life for their value, and to love and honor that about them, no matter what.  There are times when it feels like I have spun my wheels, and gone no where, but when I pause, and allow the Lord to walk me through the past almost 3 years now, I suddenly am amazed.

Despite the mistakes, the failures, the stupid decisions and with what little patience I do have, I have grown!  I am so far from where I used to be and who I used to be!  I am not so much afraid anymore of the what ifs and maybes and we shall sees of this life.  I have learned to guard my heart and cultivate the soil in my life so the Word takes root.  I have learned to love, I mean 1 Corinthians 13-style “agape” love, and have my heart well up with it in the worst of times.  When it seemed unfair and so hurtful and just not right….WOW…..

Suddenly, I am ready to begin……to take flight, if you will, and I welcome the continued work He is doing in my life.

They say this is living life in the absence of fear.  If that is truly so, Lord, I am so thankful you are here with me.

Be encouraged those reading my heart.  Go for it.  Abandon your fear to the Lord.  He is able.  You will survive the journey intact yet dramatically different.  You won’t regret it for a minute, either.

In fact, you will LOVE your life!

All to you King Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.  All praise and honor and glory be unto You the beginning and the end.

Corianne