A legacy

I am so humbled and blessed; more so lately it has hit my heart with such depth and a heaviness…of thanksgiving, of praise, of joy, of absolute peace…brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it.  This season in my life is filled with such thankfulness and expectation of the things God is doing and will be doing and has done in my life.  I am amazed at the things that are unfolding, some simply because they are the desires of my heart and some that are fulfillment of YEARS of prayer and belief and still others, divine revelations of what kind of legacy I am leaving behind!

The thought and reality surfaced again on Sunday in a new and amazing way as I stood watching my oldest daughter stand beside her husband and dedicate her daughter to the Lord with the intention of raising her up in the way she should go in the Lord.  I stood at the foot of the altar next to my other two children and next to my wonderful Eric, surrounded by an entire blended family and I realized that this IS my legacy, the inheritance I leave for them…it is YOU JESUS.

As an aside, I have been parenting for 25 years.  Many of those years alone.  Branded as a tenacious Jesus Freak at times I am sure.  Not perfect by any means, but a willing servant most of the time.  I was saved in 1992 in a church service when my oldest daughter was 6 and my middle daughter was a month old.  My children's dad wasn't.  It was a hard road with many twists and turns; lots of "tribulation" and flat out weeding out those things and consequences in my life from my own choices.  They didn't tell  me that on the day of my salvation that while I was a NEW creation in Christ, some of the other "crud" I had created on my own was going to take time for Him to weave it into a garment of gold!  I wanted to blame the devil lots of times and sure he did his best to exploit and use it against me, but in the end, it was because of my own choices, most of those things played out the way they did.  The good thing is the longer I walked with the Lord, the less debris there was to leave behind.  I am grateful that for the majority of my daughters' lives, they have lived it in a house with a mom that loved Jesus!

I know as a single mom there were so many times I took my job as a parent way too seriously and all too much upon myself, to make sure “they” turned out “OK”.  Many nights I laid in bed praying for guidance, and sometimes for strength and courage, to be their mom.  And, I made more mistakes than I could ever count or care to remember.  I met secretly with youth leaders to help and guide with me, and many times with teachers, pleading and standing in the gap in supplication for my children with the Lord.  I am sure I disciplined way too hard, was rigid in a lot of ways (denied them things like Halloween and Easter traditions with any degree of regularity or ease), worked long hours to provide trips to Disneyland and the coast, and for things like McDonald’s, braces, Starbucks and of course, pedicures along the way which fulfilled carnal desires of the world in a lot of ways.  I spoiled them and lavished them with love and lectures, always teaching, never relenting, all because of how important their being placed in my charge meant to me!

Oh yes I fought selfishness throughout the years, and not always won the battle, as a woman.  I have had my share of "what was I thinking moments" in their presence.  I have exhibited my fair share of frustration and anger and having to be and do all things and pulled many a white rabbit out of my hat as a single parent in charge of their education, health, safety and most importantly, their Spiritual development.  I have criticised and yelled and made sure there was enough money from their dad to make it through so they didn't go without.  And more times than I care to admit in this writing, I have taken on the responsibility that was clearly the Lord's, as my own, in worry, and manipulation and plain out fighting to the death....with family, with their father, with anything and anyone who would dare hurt them.

I look around at the realities of being a single mom on my own, and at all the things I didn’t do correctly by my own, perfectionist standards and yet, the one thing I did right………..was connect them to Jesus. I took them to church regularly, and involved myself in my congregation and we served.  We prayed and used the Word of God and a living Savior to banish sickness and disease, to fix broken fingers, to get us through frightening surgeries and illnesses that made no sense.  We opened our doors to those in need, more than we probably should have, and let all the stray lambs come for dinner and fellowship, or pregnancy tests for those too afraid to tell their own mothers. 

And yet, in all those years of parenting, and all those still left to do, Lord, it hit me yesterday so hard as I stood at the altar and watched my baby, dedicate her second baby to You and promise to raise her to the best of her ability to walk in Your ways, oh Lord.

It is You oh Lord, who provided this legacy of three amazing women who love and serve You.  It is You that called them unto Yourself.  And, it took an army to do it.  Christian teachers both in private and public school that YOU put in the path of my children in the answer to prayer.  Confidants in those youth leaders near and far that YOU placed in their lives to help them.  Through divorce, though relocating, through puberty, it was always YOU Lord, who loved them so much more than I, and YOU that have always provided.

You, God, are responsible for the increase.  I thank You, that somehow, despite myself, You have done an excellent job in these women.  That you have heard my prayers, and that You are forever faithful to Your Word to never leave them or forsake them because they are Your children.

So, all the nights of hoping and believing and praying and doing my best, Lord, with what little I had IS being carried down to yet another generation, Lord Jesus because of Your faithfulness.  I don’t think my kids know any other way than Jesus.  From the cradle my grandchildren know of You.  They are surrounded by family and friends that know and serve You and demonstrate Your love and walk in Your ways.

Sometimes, in the moment, it didn’t always make sense.  Looking back on all the moments lumped together, it makes SO much sense.  Thank you, Lord!   

This verse comes to mind:  1 Corinthians 2:9:  “However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"--“

I could not conceive this season of life, Lord.  What you have prepared for me and what is before me.  You are such an awesome and good Father.  I can barely maintain it, the joy and the love I feel for you, Jesus.

What a legacy.  It was never about me being perfect, but always about me loving You.

I thank God continually for each day I was able to put my feet on the floor in the morning and do it all again, and for the unending JOY and fulfillment my girls have brought to me.  Not to mention the unending lessons that the Lord has taught me about how He loves me unconditionally through my being a mom.